movie film review | chris tookey

G.I.Joe: Retaliation

© Hasbro - all rights reserved
  G.I.Joe: Retaliation Review
Tookey's Rating
1 /10
Average Rating
4.00 /10
Dwayne Johnson , Ray Park, Bruce Willis
Full Cast >

Directed by: Jon M. Chu
Written by: Rhett Rerese, Paul Wernick

Released: 2013
Origin: US
Colour: C
Length: 99

Cruel and unusual cynicism.
Reviewed by Chris Tookey

Bookmark and Share

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra 92009) was stupid, noisy rubbish celebrating a US-led strike-force in a vacuously gung-ho fashion that suggested no one concerned had watched, let alone understood, Team America: World Police.

Unfortunately, it grossed over 300 million dollars and sold a lot of Hasbro action figures, so a sequel was inevitable.

This is it, and – amazingly – it manages to be bigger, dumber and even more humourless. The central role passes from Channing Tatum (pictured left) to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (right), who’s even more muscular and nuance-deficient.

The villains are an outfit called COBRA. Their logo is fancy but their political agenda makes UKIP’s look detailed. It largely consists of destroying the earth, which seems a tad counter-productive, as the bad guys are still living on it. You can’t help feeling they haven’t thought this policy through.

Sienna Miller won Worst Supporting Actress at the 2010 Golden Raspberry Awards for her daring double role as a blonde and brunette in the first G.I. Joe. Next year, there will be another hot British contender in the form of principal villain Jonathan Pryce, as evil master of disguise Zartan, who’s taken on the identity of the US President. Inspired no doubt by the versatility Sir Alec Guinness showed in Kind Hearts and Coronets, Mr Pryce chooses to play both roles exactly the same. I trust this will subsidise some worthwhile theatre work.

How to summarise the rest of this drivel? Someone keeps a straight face while saying “The world will cower in the face of Zeus.” London is destroyed, but no one cares enough to mention casualties. There’s a battle between two tanks. I’m not sure where, or why. Personality-free CGI figures fight each other on wires in the Himalayas. Bruce Willis turns up, carries a big gun and looks as if he’d rather be somewhere else. A lot of stuff explodes, little of it under the right people.

Amazingly, in view of the stratospheric body-count, which must run into millions, not one drop of blood is visible. And so a film with a lip-smacking relish for violence and killing foreigners can be allowed through with a 12A certificate. Hooray for Hollywood!

Key to Symbols