movie film review | chris tookey
 
 

Pete Hammond

 
 

Maxim/Hollywood.com/Box Office, USA

 
 
   
 

Quote Whore Quotient : 122

 Quote Whore Status : 5th
 
 Quote Whore of the Year 2009
 
 
 
   
Stealth (2005)
Wow! Stealth takes your breath away. For sheer non-stop action and aerial thrills this movie just soars above the rest!
 
 An offense against taste, intelligence and the noise pollution code.
 
 (Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times)
 
 Brought down by repeated bursts of high absurdity.
 
 (Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal)
 
 A movie so audaciously preposterous and jingoistic it plays like a parody of the genre.
 
 (Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail)
 
 Even by the degraded standards of dim-witted summer blockbusters, this is sorry stuff.
 
 (Maitland McDonagh, TV Guide)
 
 I can therefore recommend it to any and all audiences lacking higher brain functions. Sea cucumbers, perhaps. Ones waving American flags.
 
 (Ty Burr, Boston Globe)
 
 Almost apocalyptic in its stupidity.
 
 (Chris Barsanti, filmcritic.com)
 
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
A high octane, revved up southern fried good time with an irresistible cast.
 
 Outrageously, unregenerately stupid… as dumb as Georgia dirt.
 
 (Maitland McDonagh, TV Guide)
 
 The Dukes of Hazzard may mark some sort of nadir when it comes to movies made from TV shows. It's an overlong, under-thought and numbingly one-dimensional extrapolation of a TV show whose pleasures were, at best, marginal. See it at your own peril.
 
 (Chris Kaltenbach, Baltimore Sun)
 
 So loud, so long, so dumb.
 
  (Stephen Hunter, Washington Post)
 
 The movie's so unfunny, it almost appears to be that way on purpose, kind of like an Ingmar Bergman film.
 
  (Robert Wilonsky, Dallas Observer)
 
 In stiff competition for the lamest thing ever put on celluloid.
 
 (Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle)
 
 There’s so much more to dislike in this film than casual racism. The story is negligible, the humnour is juvenile, and most of the cast are less interesting than their TV counterparts.
 
  (Steve Rose, Guardian)
 
The Brothers Grimm (2005)
Outrageously entertaining!
 
 Seriously lost in the woods. This aimless epic about a pair of charlatan brothers sinks under the weight of a problematic script, questionable star casting, hamfisted editing - and penny-pinching by Gilliam’s latest patrons, the Brothers Weinstein.
 
  (Lou Lumenick, New York Post)
 
 The film seems almost intentionally bad in most ways, as if Gilliam were expressing a suicide wish for his directing career.
 
  (Lawrence Toppman, Charlotte Observer)
 
 The Brothers Grimm moves at the pace of a retard solving a Rubik’s cube.
 
 (James Brundage, filmcritic.com)
 
 A very tired, lumpen piece of film-making.
 
 (Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph)
 
 A long, boring, unwatchable mess. Grim’s the word.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Smokin' Aces (2006)
Smokin’ Aces is one wild, super-kinetic ride! Loaded with laughs, action, excitement, twists, attitude - you name it!
 
 After this garish carnival of drooling lunacy, he [the director] then has the nerve to angle for pathos… It's safe to say Carnahan has played his Joker and lost.
 
 (Stella Papamichael, BBCi)
 
 A picture as slick and toxic as the oil spill from the tanker, Exxon Valdez.
 
 (Philip French, Observer)
 
 A fatuous piece of nasty nonsense… a smirkingly violent ensemble action-comedy that leaves a very strange taste in the mouth.
 
 (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
 
 There is no way that a screenplay this disjointed should ever have bluffed its way into production. The indistinct diction and murky sound quality make it even harder to know what the deuce is going on. Pass on this one.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Hannibal Rising (2007)
The new year’s most terrifying thriller. An absolute shocker in every way imaginable.
 
 This strikes me as the final nail in the franchise's coffin.
 
 (Jack Mathews, New York Daily News)
 
 Who would have thought mass murder and cannibalism could be so dull?
 
 (Josh Rosenblatt, Austin Chronicle)
 
 The funniest movie of the year - a true laugh riot… If you're looking for something hilarious, this is the movie to see. What's that? It's not supposed to be a comedy. Oops.
 
  (James Berardinelli, Reelviews)
 
 Silly, slack and unforgivably tedious.
 
 (Jeannette Catsoulis, New York Times)
 
 This Hannibal doesn’t so much rise to the occasion, as collapse in a heap.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Wild Hogs (2007)
Hysterically funny! It’s City Slickers on bikes!
 
 The movie never rises to the level of the professional, much less the comic.
 
  (Stephen Hunter, Washington Post)
 
 This movie stinks of exhaust and desperation.
 
 (Claudia Puig, USA Today)
 
 An arthritic comedy whose humor is below mediocre and whose drama is cringe-worthy.
 
 (James Berardinelli, Reelviews)
 
 There's something almost indescribably depressing about Wild Hogs. It's not that it's actually badly made, it's just soulless, boring, formulaic and utterly convinced that its audience won't care.
 
 (Paul Arendt, BBCi)
 
 
Revolver (2007)
Electrifying. A psychological thriller full of great visual style…Jason Statham has never been better.
 
 An absolute chore from start to finish... This is a terrible movie; it's generic and confusing and presented in a completely misshapen form. Here's hoping the filmmaker decides, next time out, to let someone else contribute a screenplay, because what he's slapped together for Revolver is as overwhelmingly indulgent as it is patently moronic.
 
 (Scott Weinberg, efilmcritic.com)
 
 A convoluted, risibly overwrought muddle... Word of mouth will be a killer.
 
 (Screen International)
 
 How could Guy Ritchie, who showed such chutzpah in his first couple of films, have become such a muddled, pretentious bore?
 
  (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
 
 No ordinary turkey. If it is to be likened to any large, flightless bird, it resembles most of all a pea-brained ostrich that has forgotten to hide its head in the sand at the first sign of attack, and has chosen instead to insert its head all the way up its own fundament.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
 
The Number 23 (2007)
A must-see movie.
 
 It's humorless save when it's laughable.
 
 (Manohla Dargis, New York Times)
 
 Gosh, where to end the counting? How about with the fact, helpfully provided in the press notes, that this feature is Joel Schumacher's "23rd film or television directorial assignment." To suggest that's exactly 23 too many might be a tad unkind, but does have the happy benefit of adding to the mystique.
 
 (Rick Groen, Globe and Mail)
 
 The story could have been concocted by a marginally talented chimpanzee.
 
 (William Arnold, Seattle Post-Intelligencer)
 
 There's a mess of things wrong with this suspense thriller. Start with the fact that it's neither suspenseful nor thrilling.
 
 (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone)
 
 Bleak and brackish. It makes you want to cover your eyes and clutch your ears. How's that for a quote line?
 
 (Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor)
 
 How bad is The Number 23? It gives Batman & Robin a run for its money as the worst of the director's long career.
 
 (Kevin Crust, Los Angeles Times)
 
 
Deception (2008)
Deception is the kind of state-of-the-art, edge-of-your-seat sexual thriller that grabs you and doesn’t let go. It’s actually the kind of movie Hitchcock might have made.
 
 Head-shaking banality.
 
 (Desson Thomson, Washington Post)
 
 Overwrought and ultimately silly.
 
 (Ruthe Stein, San Francisco Chronicle)
 
 A lamentably slack and dishonest genre exercise.
 
 (Stephen Cole, Globe and Mail)
 
 A lurid sex thriller with a preposterous plot and a twist that can be predicted at least an hour before it finally arrives, with all the flourish of a thrice-announced government policy.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
The Women (2008)
Gorgeously entertaining! Tops Sex and the City in every way. Hilarious flat-out fun… see it!
 
 The script is deficient in zing and scarce in snap.
 
 (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
 
 A film that holds womankind in such open contempt... I won’t defend the Cukor film as one of his best, because Luce’s play doesn’t like the idea of feminism much either. But at least, in his hands, it zipped along with wit and an ace cast, and didn’t sit there stinking up the screen.
 
 (Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph)
 
 Admittedly, I am a man, but I am partial to a good “chick flick”. This one made me feel as though I had been trapped for several hours inside the perfume department at Selfridges.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Seven Pounds (2008)
Seven Pounds may be the most spiritual picture of the holiday season; this story of redemption is a gift for moviegoers... Will Smith is at his best.
 
 An incredibly sappy and manipulative dirge disguised as a deep rumination on sacrifice and redemption.
 
 (Frank Swietek, One Guy’s Opinion)
 
 Among the most transcendently, eye-poppingly, call-your-friend-ranting-in-the-middle-of-the-night-just-to-go-over-it-one-more-time crazily awful motion pictures ever made.
 
 (A.O. Scott, New York Times)
 
 A Will Smith weepie that should include diabetes testing in the admission price.
 
 (Lou Lumenick, New York Post)
 
 A bad, ridiculous movie.
 
 (Tom Maurstad, Dallas Morning News)
 
 It’s totally bonkers.
 
 (Trevor Johnston, Time Out)
 
 Not even worth 1p. This turkey is a real humdinger. The worst movie ever to star Will Smith, it is a morbid drama which is meant to reduce its audience to tears of empathy, but reduced me instead to groans and helpless laughter.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)
Hilarious! Confessions is a nonstop laughing spree.
 
 A thin, largely unfunny comedy that marries lazy filmmaking with bad timing.
 
 (Jessica Reaves, Chicago Tribune)
 
 Confessions of a Shopaholic is like a sale item that catches your eye simply because of its garish color, atrocious style and startling uselessness. Not only is it an unfunny movie shrilly told, it probably is the most ill-timed and appallingly insulting movie in recent memory.
 
 (Claudia Puig, USA Today)
 
 Not only did I find this production to be irritating, unfunny, and lacking in entertainment value, but I found its underlying slavishness to a culture of consumption to be morally repugnant... It's a misbegotten offspring that sticks to the bottom of the shoe with the tenacity and stench of a dog turd.
 
 (James Berardinelli, Reelviews)
 
 A shrill, garish knock-off of Sex and the City.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Angels & Demons (2009)
Tom Hanks and Ron Howard have topped The Da Vinci Code in every way imaginable. Movies don't get more exciting than this.
 
 It's not so-bad-it's-good bad. It's not even amusingly bad. It's worse-than-The Da Vinci Code bad. It's they're-taking-the-piss bad. It's don't-give-them-your-money bad.
 
 (Mike McCahill, Sunday Telegraph)
 
 About as exciting as looking over someone’s shoulder while they finish a crossword.
 
 (Trevor Johnston, Time Out)
 
 Brown really is one of the dumbest authors ever. In terms of style, characterization and plotting, he makes the routinely and rightly reviled Jeffrey Archer look like Dickens. This is a terrible movie with barely concealed contempt for its audience. Please don’t go to see it, or another of these calamities may be along next summer.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
The Proposal (2009)
Riotously funny! The Proposal is without question the year’s best comedy.
 
 You know every tinny beat and false note by heart, from the implausible setup to the sprint-to-the-airport finish.
 
 (Robert Wilonsky, Village Voice)
 
 The film is flat and false in the exact same way that director Anne Fletcher's last rom-com, 27 Dresses, was flat and false.
 
 (M. E. Russell, Portland Oregonian)
 
 It's impossible to guess why Bullock was ever attracted to this insulting role, and the eternally confident Reynolds is miscast as a young, bullied underling.
 
 (Elizabeth Weitzman, New York Daily News)
 
 Neither (Bullock/Reynolds) brings out anything good in the other, and watching them try hurts the eyes, the tummy, and the libido.
 
 (Wesley Morris, Boston Globe)
 
 Each star’s face has a waxy immobility that has nothing to do with Botox: the pure awfulness of the script has paralysed their facial muscles... My own “proposal” to everyone involved is unprintable.
 
 (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
 
 As a fish-out-of-water comedy, it’s so lousy that you keep wishing someone would put the poor fish out of its misery… As a romcom, this is as unsavoury as Edwina Currie attempting to mate with one of the more repellent male contestants on The Apprentice.
 
  (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Old Dogs (2009)
An often riotously funny slapstick farce that ought to appeal to moviegoers of all ages... [It] effortlessly mixes over-the-top comedy with heartwarming moments that [Robin] Williams in particular seems to have trademarked... Robin’s in great form and has terrific chemistry with [John] Travolta as they manage to recall a modern-day Abbott And Costello.
 
 Old Dogs does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet. It’s unfortunate that only the latter can be taken out and shot.
 
 (Kyle Smith, New York Post)
 
 Old Dogs is a lousy motion picture, wasteful with its talent and clueless in direction, squandering screentime with unimaginative nonsense. Pitching this junk to the rafters only inflames its faults.
 
 (Brian Orndorf, Filmjerk)
 
 It’s kind of a funny story. Actually it isn’t. And not much in this movie is, unless you like to watch elderly dogs urinate, middle-aged movie stars overact wildly, and Seth Green get hit in the groin by a golf ball.
 
 (A.O. Scott, At the Movies)
 
 The dearth of laughs in this unspeakably awful comedy borders on embarrassing at times.
 
 (Thomas Leupp, Hollywood.com)
 
 With John Travolta and Robin Williams mugging as best buds who care for two 7-year-olds, this stinky mutt of a movie pees on your leg and tells you it's comedy.
 
 (Matt Stevens, E! Online)
 
When in Rome (2010)
Entertaining, full of laughs and, as far as chick flicks go, is a sweet, romantic trip worth taking for audiences so inclined.
 
 All roads here lead to blandness and inanity.
 
 (Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News)
 
 Please, Gods of love, make this movie disappear.
 
 (Connie Ogle, Miami Herald)
 
 In the case of When in Rome, oh to do what the Romans used to do: Toss the bloody thing to the lions.
 
 (Rick Groen, Globe and Mail)
 
 Keep your coin far away from this toxic fountain of crap.
 
 (Joshua Rothkopf, Time Out New York)
 
 Half-witted Romecom.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Tron: Legacy (2010)
Spectacular. A great story that takes us places we've never been before.
 
 Perhaps this is an old-fashioned notion, but if you're going to see a movie that admittedly features lots of digital bells and whistles as its major draw, shouldn't you still be able to tell what's going on?
 
 (Bill Goodykoontz, Arizona Republic)
 
 Alas, it's a legacy of Tron that its sequel has to be as slow and dense, as humorless and emotionally sterile as its original.
 
 (Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel)
 
 Plastic, phony, and utterly soulless.
 
 (Drew McWeeny, HitFix)
 
 A showcase of the most astonishing computer- graphics' work Hollywood can muster... all wrapped round one of the most lunk-headed scripts that was ever parped out of an ink-jet... About as much fun as a two-hour sock-ironing session.
 
 (Robbie Collin, News of the World)
 
 An unbelievably soulless product, a sapping series of disappointments packaged as a top-of-the-range, 3D Christmas gift.
 
 (Mike McCahill, Sunday Telegraph)
 
 State-of-the-art drivel.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Hop (2011)
Fun for every member of the family... richly funny and entertaining. This wonderfully clever, hip hoppin' delight will be loved by believers of all ages.
 
 A soulless and depressing film, with plasticky production design. The idea is that Fred, an aimless young guy played by James Marsden, is exasperating his father by still living at home with the folks – an idea that might have worked if he was in his teens or early 20s. Marsden is 37. Meanwhile, the cartoon Easter Bunny's kid EB, voiced by Russell Brand, yearns to be a rock'n'roll drummer, and becomes a buddy of Fred. There's some dodgy subliminal advertising for a certain confectionery company in one early scene. Equally dodgy is a kids' film giving a mention to Hugh Hefner's Playboy bunny empire. Yuck.
 
 (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
 
 Charmless... Brand is over-indulged and unconvincing, and James Marsden’s career surely hits rock-bottom as the bunny’s hapless human sidekick. And indicative of the general commercial crassness is the fact that a film aimed squarely at small children manages to plug Hugh Hefner’s Playboy organisation not once but twice.
 
 (Matthew Bond, Mail on Sunday)
 
 Flat and formulaic... The characters are cliched, the voicing by Brand and co is lazy, and it’s simply not funny or visually engaging enough to delight.
 
 (Cosmo Landesman, Sunday Times)
 
 Flop would be closer.
 
 (Anthony Quinn, Independent)
 
 Didn’t Easter use to have some kind of religious significance? Here, it’s any notion of family entertainment that is crucified.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Mars Needs Moms (2011)
The perfect family film in every way, moms, dads, kids and even those Martians are gonna love this funny, warm and wonderful tale.
 
 Easily the worst film the Walt Disney studio has churned out in nearly a decade.
 
 (Jason McKiernan, filmcritic.com)
 
 On the whole, I'd rather be on Pluto, which isn't even a planet.
 
 (Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune)
 
 It really is the most lame and unthought-through script; family comedies about Martians don’t need to be plausible exactly, but they do need to be smart and entertaining. This one is ho-hum, so-so and so what?
 
 (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
 
 The main reason the film has flopped in the States, though, is charm. It doesn’t have any. And there’s still something about performance-capture that leaves the human characters looking creepy, soulless and dead behind the eyes.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
The perfect summer movie and perhaps the best Pirates of them all.
 
 A near-total creative disaster... This is a naked cash grab, as ugly and hollow and callous as big-budget filmmaking gets.
 
 (Drew McWeeny, HitFix)
 
 Pirates 4 is the epitome of lazy filmmaking, a movie without a single clever moment, without the least bit of inspiration. It's a paint by numbers film, charmless and witless.
 
 (Devin Faraci, Chud)
 
 Lifeless, a reductive, insulting moneymaking exercise with as much charm and depth as a slot machine.
 
 (Tom Huddleston, Time Out )
 
 An unspeakable bore.
 
 (Anthony Quinn, Independent)
 
 The film reeks of weariness, idleness and contempt for its audience. Utterly lacking the romance and charm of the first two pictures, it’s soulless and corporate, generating zero interest in any of its characters. Like the oceans it sails, it’s unfathomable.
 
 (Chris Tookey, Daily Mail)
 
 
 
 
Jarhead (2005)
A timeless masterwork! Jarhead is one of this year’s can’t-miss movies, unlike any other war film you will ever see.
300 (2007)
A landmark picture.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007)
Heart-pounding action! Total entertainment from start to finish!
Drillbit Taylor (2008)
Big laughs with a lot of heart.
The Duchess (2008)
A role of a lifetime for Keira Knightley. She gets to be funny, strong, gorgeous – and ultimately a woman of power and dignity.
The Appaloosa (2008)
A masterful triumph! Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen are a dynamite screen pairing.
Monsters Vs Aliens (2009)
The year’s funniest comedy.
The Time Traveler's Wife (2009)
Combining elements of sweepingly romantic time travel movies like Somewhere In Time and the supernatural swoon of Ghost, this first-rate and spellbinding drama is out to prove true love can overcome any obstacle — in this world or the next.
Amelia (2009)
Amelia simply soars. Director Mira Nair has crafted a big, beautiful and sweeping motion picture biography about a true American legend. Hilary Swank is outstanding. She transforms herself into the complex public - and private - Amelia Earnart with humanity and heart. Amelia is grand entertainment in the best tradition of the movies.
Nine (2009)
Dazzling!... The true star here though is Marshall, who has brought his own singular style and verve to this splendid adaption. Nine is simply sensational and is indeed a worthy successor to his Best Picture winner, Chicago in every way.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
A rip-roaring great time at the movies, a summertime treat that "reverses time" to when flicks were just plain fun. Mixing old-fashioned content and state of the art effects, this Jerry Bruckheimer production trades ‘pirates' for ‘princes' to revive the swashbuckling, sword fighting spirit of the sort Douglas Fairbanks or Errol Flynn specialized.
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2020)
This movie is great. Wall Street 2 is a powerhouse of a movie. It leaves us wanting more. Douglas is once again superb.
Burlesque (2010)
A smart, wise and fun musical.
Shrek Forever After (2010)
The funniest film of the year! The best comedy of the year!
The A-Team (2010)
The best action film in years! Now it really feels like Summer has begun!
 
 Back to top 
Key to Symbols